Fear.

It's late. Or early, depending on how you look at it. Either way, I won't be able to sleep if I don't write something and the evening has been filled with other... activities.

I was reflecting on something in the shower today that I thought I'd try to spit up in a readable form for you all. I've been reading Genesis and I recently read the story where Abraham goes into Abimelech's kingdom. When they get there, Abraham is afraid that the men will hurt him on account of Sarah's beauty. Perhaps they would kill him to get her. So instead, he tells them that she is his sister - not a complete lie we find out, but still a strong deception. Turns out that Abimelech isn't that bad of a guy. When he finds out about the "mix-up," he quickly remedies the situation. God had it in control from the beginning.

Jump two generations later: Jacob is returning to Canaan to meet Esau again. But Esau is coming to meet him with 400 men. Jacob makes all kinds of crazy plans to ensure his survival, but in the end, Esau bears no great ill will against Jacob. God had it in control from the beginning.

What stuck out to me in both of these stories was the theme of fear. Both Abraham and Jacob were afraid of what was waiting for them at their destinations. For Abraham, it was unjust treatment because of lust for his wife; for Jacob, it was justified anger for the cheat he was. In both stories, we find out that the fear was almost unjustified. The God that protected them occasions past continued to do so. In fact, he would have an easier time of it if these men had trusted him a little more. Instead he has to send prophetic dreams or literally wrestle with these guys to make their paths straight.

It caused me to reflect about what I'm afraid of. Certainly the future is uncertain, but am I afraid of it? Is it the uncertainty that I fear, or is it something deeper? A fear of failure? A fear of the opinions of others? A fear of living the kind of life I never wanted to live?

Just some thoughts that help me fill my word count for the day.

New Years.

I know I'm quite a bit late on the New Years' bandwagon, but I really wanted to do one of these posts (like everyone else in the world [that I read, at least]).

I'm still not finished processing through preparing for the year, but I wanted to chronicle what I've got (sort of like how Mr. Ransom did it; I'll do a follow up with some more specifics [mostly for myself and my records]) Here are some of my thoughts so far:

It's my senior year. That has so many ridiculous ramifications that it's... ridiculous. It is literally impossible to predict what my life will be like past June. Lord willing, I'll be in California doing a sweet internship. Or I could be in Grand Rapids, living with Buddy and Kyle for a bit doing... something. Or I could be in Albuquerque, living with someone and doing... something. Or I could be in Florida... You get the picture.

I have really gotten a lot of inspiration from the various blogs I've been reading and the movies I've been watching. God is really trying to tell me something. I think the credits song of Yes Man says it best: "It's time to man up." Of all my priorities and goals, it's time to actually start doing. Anything.

I want to establish my lifestyle this year. This has a lot to do with my reading on The Simple Dollar and The Art of Manliness, in addition to my convictions about how Jesus would have us live. There are so many dreams I have for the future, but they almost all involve how I live.

One of the things that I don't think I can commit to this year (but want to as soon as possible) is to spend one hour a day learning one thing for one year. (Again, I refer to the Simple Dollar link above.) There are so many skills and knowledge I want to have. For example:

• Learn French well enough to be conversational. Enough to watch a movie, for instance.
• Read music and play piano.
• Perform basic car repair.
• Draw locations and characters (for concept art).
• Program in C++ or C#
• Write. From blog-style to articles to screenplays to prose to...
• Photography.
• Cooking.
• Physics. I love physics and wish I could learn more.

I think I'll end this rambling and unfocused post with a question: If you could spend one hour a day practicing one thing (knowledge or skill) for one year, what would it be?

Warm nights.

It is 62 degrees Fahrenheit outside right now. Before I went to work, I saw the sun. After work, I put all the windows down and opened the sun roof. This is, like, the best day ever.

There's something about 60 degree weather at night that rejuvenates my soul. Perhaps it is the Florida blood. Maybe it's something else. But right now, I could go for just about anything.

Specifically, sitting on the back porch of a house on a patio that I helped build and decorate with some nice icicle lights and Japanese lanterns. With a small fire. And something warm to drink. And someone to enjoy it with.

I hope the future comes soon.

Update.

The 500 words a day has been going alright.... I let myself off yesterday, but I think I still only managed 800ish this week so far. Shame on me.

I started a trial subscription to Gamefly.... That's been my undoing. But I have been able to play some games I couldn't afford this year. Mass Effect is pretty much amazing. Bioshock is also, but I probably won't play as much of it...

Also, this is not a feeble attempt to boost word count. I already did that here, with my review-thus-far of Bioshock. I need to get that blog up and moving faster if I'm going to have a chance of getting an article published. (Bwa ha ha!)

New disciplines.

As is my custom for school breaks, I have made a small list of things I want to accomplish with my break. There are books I want to read, relationships I want to cultivate, games I want to play, etc...

This break, I have decided to write 500 words a day, 6 days a week. It can be anything: a blog post (heh heh...), a journal entry, a screenplay, a radio drama, a poem (I count poems as the full 500, though. They're hard.), etc... The point is to make a habit out of writing.

It has been about as hard as I expected. Naturally, I have only written maybe 1000 words so far. The other night, I actually let myself get by with the excuse that I didn't have anything to write, that I was dry.

That's sort of the point of a discipline, isn't it? That you do it even when you don't want to or feel like you can't?

I hope it doesn't degrade to me updating this blog over and over again in a desperate attempt to boost my word count.