Kubla Khan

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.

So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!

A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me
That with music loud and long
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice!
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Even Christian would appreciate this

Beauty (with voice acting, no less)

Into marvelous light I'm running...

I'm running desperately toward the light. Shadows are flying by me all over, strange forms that both entice me and terrify me. It is a dark place, a lonely place, a place of my own self destruction. As I run, I nearly choke on the heat, the humidity, and the stink of sweat that seems to pervade the air no matter where I run. What little wind there is seems to be contorted into a greasy, snake like coil that never brings the comfort of a breeze. I try to listen to the sound of my breathing, but it proves impossible to hear over the cacophony of noises I hear from the shadows around - cries of pain, cruel laughter, the pregnant silence of fear, and the sobs of guilt. This is as close as I could ever imagine hell being and my only way out is right in front of me. I run toward the light desperately, with a recklessness that belies my usual thought out processing.

All of a sudden, the light is all around me. The shadows are gone and in their place, there is nothing. Nothing but formless light, as far as my eyes can see. This is the escape that I so desperately craved. I am no longer tormented by my demons or the demons of others.

But it scares me.

All I can see is light. I search in vain for something in the distance, some small object by which I could discern space, but there is no movement of any kind, no forms to discern in the distance, not even the hint of a fog. The air is still and quiet - more quiet than I ever imagined possible. All I can hear is my own heartbeat, and even that sounds distant. I slowly become aware that I am slightly cold. Not near enough to shiver, but just enough to make me uncomfortable. The air has no smell, no taste. There is nothing but light.

I am alone. Utterly alone. My senses are dead, I am losing my humanity. I scream just to hear something, but something about my voice - or about the air - only allows the smallest whisper to reach my ears. I start trying to run again, but then I fall. Or do I? I have no sense of what is up, what is down. I do not even know if I am standing on solid ground right now.

Not knowing what else to do, I pray, "God, you led me here! You called me out of the darkness into your light! But I do not understand! I can't see anything! I can't hear anything! Please show me a path!" But nothing happens. I see nothing but light.

I cry, "Let me hear your voice, Father! Tell me how to move and I will gladly do it! I will take only baby steps until you direct me otherwise!" I strain my ears, expecting to hear the smallest whisper, but nothing happens. I hear only the distant pounding of my heart.

Finally, I plead, "Give me anything! Give me chains! Give me pain! Give me anything by which I can know where I am and where I am to go!" I reach my hands up, bringing my wrists close together, as if God would reach down from heaven and handcuff me to a giant chain that I could follow. I close my eyes tight, as if God was about to push spears into my exposed side, but nothing happens.

I still feel nothing. No hint of guidance. No promise of more to come. Just light. Blinding light all around me.

I consider for a moment that the Darkness was better - there I had feeling. I could see, hear, taste, smell, and touch. Here, I am nothing. Here, I only know light. But that thought quickly passes as folly. I am better here, alone, than there, in darkness and pain. I know I have followed God, I just don't see him any longer. He has led me this far. Eventually, my logic and knowledge tell my heart, he will come and get me. He will lead me to where he is.

But he is not here now. And so, in my loneliness, I begin to cry.

I hear my sobs as if they were very close to me, much closer than my heartbeat. I feel the blood rush to my face as it flushes and my tears rolling down my nose. I'm sure, if there was anyone there, I would feel embarrassed. Then, I realize that I am hearing. I am feeling. I open my eyes and I see my hands as if they had never been there before. I wipe my nose with my forearm and notice how the snot makes all the hairs in its path move in the same direction. I begin to laugh a little.

As I hear my laugh, I can still hear sobs somewhere. I begin to hear other sounds - a contented sigh, someone saying the words, "I love you," a shout of triumph. More and more sounds are added to the symphony, like an orchestra tuning before a performance.

Suddenly, the light around me begins to fade. The symphony of sound seems to transform into physical shape sound by sound. As it does, I can start discerning mountains in the far distance. I begin to see that I am standing in a field full of wild flowers, with a forest of pine trees to my left and right and a hill in front of me. I can hear birds singing in the forest, a breeze rustling both the wildflowers and the larger tree branches. From over the hill, I hear what sounds like waves crashing into a shore. The sky is blue with patches of large, fluffy clouds and the sun is warming me gently. I can smell the wildflowers and the pine and the smell of grass on a sunny day. I put my hand over the tall grass, like that shot in Gladiator, and feel the ridges of the leaf, the thinness of the blade, and the soft point of its end.

Then it hits me. Perhaps I was too blinded by the darkness to see what was all around me. Perhaps the noise of the Dark dulled my ears to the distant breeze and sound of grass waving in the wind. Maybe this scene has been here since the beginning, waiting for me to be sensitive enough to enjoy it.

I don't think God created us to isolate ourselves in perfection. It is an impossible goal. Rather, I think he created us to enjoy what he has put in front of us. Unfortunately, our sin gets in the way of that.

I'm still learning how to balance legalism and total abandonment of God's standards. I wish I could cling to a list of do's and don't's to grow closer to God, but that's not how God's grace works. We cannot cling to Jesus and a code of behavior. We just need to cling to Jesus and introduce others to him.

P.S. This is my 100th post. And also the longest, I think.

P.P.S. Heidi, this was an encouragement when I read it tonight. Thank you. Jude 24: "Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault."
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Now playing: Skillet - Looking For Angels
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(Yep, no idea what to title this.)

Everything is perfect right now.

Well, except that my life isn't at the end of its story. Which, I guess, is good.

Act 3 is coming, friends. But until then, we must fight the good fight.

Camp update!

I have a fever. And the only prescription for that fever is more Harry Potter.

So I saw the 5th movie last night, then started the 6th book again. I finished it today around 7:00pm and picked up the 7th book. Also, I slept for a good 9 or 10 hours last night.

So, essentially this post is to brag about my reading speed and to lament the fact that I am trying to use some measure of self control and go to bed now rather than finishing Deathly Hollows before sunrise.

I suppose a quick camp update is in order for those of you I didn't get to see when I visited GR this past weekend. It was pretty cool. The speaker was a guy I quickly came to respect (He said he diagrammed every sentence of the Bible in the original languages...) who had a great knack for preaching.
My favorite part of the week was Wednesday night, where he pretty much issued a call for leadership to the students - to own their youth ministries and become more than just passive observers. One of our students, who has a natural gift for leadership, finally felt convicted enough to do something about it. During the altar call (because yes, there was one every night... just not quite the typical one), he went down with a few other students, calling out those he knew needed a bit of encouragement to step out, one of which was my sister. They met, just the students, for over an hour and a half. Ultimately, they drew up some kind of covenant and signed it, committing to start being the change they want to see.

He called out my sister. She committed to pursuing God more, stepping up more leadership-wise, and trying to live better with her parents. She borrowed my phone and called them that night. It made me happy to see God get a hold of her.

The next night, they did their usual "Are you called to ministry?" thing. I went down and talked to two guys, one of which I had seen that calling in before and one I hadn't. I gave them a bit of my story, said something I should not have to the guy I didn't expect to see, asked for forgiveness, and, for the most part, wasn't as bad as I thought I would be. Thanks to whoever prayed.

I'm sure I learned some stuff, too, but I'm really tired right now. It was just really cool to be a servant to these students, get to know them, and have fun with them. I'm sure I have lots more stories to tell - especially now that I've started telling them - but they will, I'm afraid, have to wait until we (and by we, I mean returning Cornerstone students) are reunited in three weeks or so.

Desperately trying not to identify too closely with Harry,

Kemp

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