Into marvelous light I'm running...

I'm running desperately toward the light. Shadows are flying by me all over, strange forms that both entice me and terrify me. It is a dark place, a lonely place, a place of my own self destruction. As I run, I nearly choke on the heat, the humidity, and the stink of sweat that seems to pervade the air no matter where I run. What little wind there is seems to be contorted into a greasy, snake like coil that never brings the comfort of a breeze. I try to listen to the sound of my breathing, but it proves impossible to hear over the cacophony of noises I hear from the shadows around - cries of pain, cruel laughter, the pregnant silence of fear, and the sobs of guilt. This is as close as I could ever imagine hell being and my only way out is right in front of me. I run toward the light desperately, with a recklessness that belies my usual thought out processing.

All of a sudden, the light is all around me. The shadows are gone and in their place, there is nothing. Nothing but formless light, as far as my eyes can see. This is the escape that I so desperately craved. I am no longer tormented by my demons or the demons of others.

But it scares me.

All I can see is light. I search in vain for something in the distance, some small object by which I could discern space, but there is no movement of any kind, no forms to discern in the distance, not even the hint of a fog. The air is still and quiet - more quiet than I ever imagined possible. All I can hear is my own heartbeat, and even that sounds distant. I slowly become aware that I am slightly cold. Not near enough to shiver, but just enough to make me uncomfortable. The air has no smell, no taste. There is nothing but light.

I am alone. Utterly alone. My senses are dead, I am losing my humanity. I scream just to hear something, but something about my voice - or about the air - only allows the smallest whisper to reach my ears. I start trying to run again, but then I fall. Or do I? I have no sense of what is up, what is down. I do not even know if I am standing on solid ground right now.

Not knowing what else to do, I pray, "God, you led me here! You called me out of the darkness into your light! But I do not understand! I can't see anything! I can't hear anything! Please show me a path!" But nothing happens. I see nothing but light.

I cry, "Let me hear your voice, Father! Tell me how to move and I will gladly do it! I will take only baby steps until you direct me otherwise!" I strain my ears, expecting to hear the smallest whisper, but nothing happens. I hear only the distant pounding of my heart.

Finally, I plead, "Give me anything! Give me chains! Give me pain! Give me anything by which I can know where I am and where I am to go!" I reach my hands up, bringing my wrists close together, as if God would reach down from heaven and handcuff me to a giant chain that I could follow. I close my eyes tight, as if God was about to push spears into my exposed side, but nothing happens.

I still feel nothing. No hint of guidance. No promise of more to come. Just light. Blinding light all around me.

I consider for a moment that the Darkness was better - there I had feeling. I could see, hear, taste, smell, and touch. Here, I am nothing. Here, I only know light. But that thought quickly passes as folly. I am better here, alone, than there, in darkness and pain. I know I have followed God, I just don't see him any longer. He has led me this far. Eventually, my logic and knowledge tell my heart, he will come and get me. He will lead me to where he is.

But he is not here now. And so, in my loneliness, I begin to cry.

I hear my sobs as if they were very close to me, much closer than my heartbeat. I feel the blood rush to my face as it flushes and my tears rolling down my nose. I'm sure, if there was anyone there, I would feel embarrassed. Then, I realize that I am hearing. I am feeling. I open my eyes and I see my hands as if they had never been there before. I wipe my nose with my forearm and notice how the snot makes all the hairs in its path move in the same direction. I begin to laugh a little.

As I hear my laugh, I can still hear sobs somewhere. I begin to hear other sounds - a contented sigh, someone saying the words, "I love you," a shout of triumph. More and more sounds are added to the symphony, like an orchestra tuning before a performance.

Suddenly, the light around me begins to fade. The symphony of sound seems to transform into physical shape sound by sound. As it does, I can start discerning mountains in the far distance. I begin to see that I am standing in a field full of wild flowers, with a forest of pine trees to my left and right and a hill in front of me. I can hear birds singing in the forest, a breeze rustling both the wildflowers and the larger tree branches. From over the hill, I hear what sounds like waves crashing into a shore. The sky is blue with patches of large, fluffy clouds and the sun is warming me gently. I can smell the wildflowers and the pine and the smell of grass on a sunny day. I put my hand over the tall grass, like that shot in Gladiator, and feel the ridges of the leaf, the thinness of the blade, and the soft point of its end.

Then it hits me. Perhaps I was too blinded by the darkness to see what was all around me. Perhaps the noise of the Dark dulled my ears to the distant breeze and sound of grass waving in the wind. Maybe this scene has been here since the beginning, waiting for me to be sensitive enough to enjoy it.

I don't think God created us to isolate ourselves in perfection. It is an impossible goal. Rather, I think he created us to enjoy what he has put in front of us. Unfortunately, our sin gets in the way of that.

I'm still learning how to balance legalism and total abandonment of God's standards. I wish I could cling to a list of do's and don't's to grow closer to God, but that's not how God's grace works. We cannot cling to Jesus and a code of behavior. We just need to cling to Jesus and introduce others to him.

P.S. This is my 100th post. And also the longest, I think.

P.P.S. Heidi, this was an encouragement when I read it tonight. Thank you. Jude 24: "Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault."
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